How to teach kids independence

For some parents, building independence in kids with learning and thinking differences might feel overwhelming. But it’s an important part of kids’ growth. Because when kids learn to do things on their own, they begin to feel more confident.

Listen as Julian explains how learning and thinking differences can impact kids’ ability to build independence. Learn why teaching kids how to navigate the world with confidence is key. And get tips on how to teach independence at home.   

We love to hear from our listeners. Email us at opportunitygap@understood.org.

Related resources

• 5 ways to help tweens and teens be independent learners

• Let Grow

Timestamps

(01:13) Why is independence important?

(06:18) What is a growth mindset?

(06:56) Why parents should praise kids’ efforts

(11:01) Ways to teach kids independence at home

(14:15) How Julian teaches his children independence

(16:39) Tips for parents

Episode transcript

Julian: For some parents, fostering independence and kids with learning and thinking differences can seem daunting, but it's actually an important step in helping kids build confidence and resilience. So, how can we equip our children with the skills they need to navigate the world independently and confidently?

What's going on OG family? I'm back. Everybody, we are so excited to be back in the mix. We're kicking off Season 4. Can y'all believe that? Four seasons of listening to this voice. It's amazing. Season 4 of "The Opportunity Gap" and this is going to be our best one yet. I am your host, Julian, and we are so happy that you chose to listen to "The Opportunity Gap."

We're kicking off this season with the topic I'm sure so many of us that are parents can relate to. How do we teach kids with learning and thinking differences how to be independent? How do we teach those baby ducks to go out and fly? Let's talk about it: Independence.

(01:13) Why is independence important?

So, first and foremost, let's really talk about the reason why independence is so important. Now, as a parent, I always lead with my identity as a dad, and as a dad, I always think about, you know, my main job above everything is obviously I want to keep the kids safe, but we really have to teach them how to navigate this world without us. And it's a scary thought, right?

To think about one day, our little babies are not going to be with us anymore. They're going to be out in the world, and they have to be able to be prepared to do it on their own. We can't be with them every single second of the day. And so, our job is really to prep them to be independent. They got to be able to do these things on their own. And so if we're successful as parents, then our children grow into responsible, respectful, caring adults that contribute to the world. So, how do we do that? That's the number one question, right?

And so, it's really about building our independence in our children, but also developing their self-esteem and confidence so that they feel they can do it themselves, like they feel good about who they are and who they're growing into. And I'm a big proponent of problem-solving and decision-making skills, like, how do we create situations where our babies are learning how to solve problems on their own and how they can make decisions without us?

And so, it's really important to build skills and the ability to be independent and do things for themselves. Now this is a challenge that is completely added on to kids who have learning and thinking differences, right? If you think about all the things that are going on with kids, with learning and thinking differences to create independence with them, it's even harder. And so, as parents and as teachers and as community members, as everybody around raising up our children, we have to really think proactively about creating situations where they can become independent, too.

You know, kids with learning and thinking differences, especially kids with ADHD, kids with dyslexia, and a host of other learning and thinking differences, they experience a lot of struggles with everyday things. We know that, you know, we know organization is a struggle. We know time management can be a struggle. We know following all these different directions at once can be really hard.

And so, we have to figure out how can we help them develop coping mechanisms and strategies so that they can do these things on their own? All right, what does it feel like for one day a kid with ADHD is going to have to get behind the wheel of a car and drive without us? Now that's a scary thought, right? Like thinking about your little six-year-old one day, getting behind the wheel of a car. Maybe by the time they're 16, the cars will drive themselves.

But until that happens, that kid's going to have to learn how to drive, and they're going to have to be able to do that and navigate all that with knowing that having ADHD really is a struggle sometimes for organizing all of the thoughts that it takes, and all the skills it takes to get behind the wheel of a car. What are the things that we're putting in place to help them build up their independence so that they feel confident that they can do these things without you?

Now, we know that challenges like that can make it really tough to create independence. If I have ADHD and I know that organization is tough for me. It's going to make me feel like I might not be able to do this on my own. And sometimes I might even become too dependent on my mom or my dad or my teachers. And I need to figure out how can I start doing this all on my own? Sometimes our kids might not even know where to start.

And so, if these things that I'm describing sound familiar, they sound similar if you're a parent at home listening and you know that some of your kids are struggling to do these things on your own. You feel like you're always cleaning up behind them. You feel like you're always reminding them to do things. You feel like you have to tell that little boy to put his Legos away eight different times, and he doesn't do it until you stand right there to do it for him.

And this is where we have to work together to figure this out so that that little boy one day can get behind the wheel of a car engine on his own. There's so many different ways that parents can help foster independence, so you are not on your own. You can do this. There's a bunch of ways to do this, like big picture.

(06:18) What is a growth mindset?

We always encourage growth mindset and to remind you, growth mindset it's the idea of "the power of yet." It means that everybody can learn how to do something. Everybody can improve. They might not know how to do it, yet. And so there's always a chance that they can get better at something. So the idea of growth mindset, I might be really poor at something now, but with hard work and practice and support, I can do it. I might not be good at it yet, but at some point, I will.

(06:56) Why parents should praise kids' efforts

Praising your child's efforts. Always, always, always shower your children with praise. Shout them out for doing the right thing. Shout them out for just trying. If he picked up the Legos after the fourth time instead of the fifth time, then you better go over there and give him a high five. Great job tomorrow. Maybe I'll only tell you three times. And maybe on Monday, maybe I'll remind you twice. Shout him out for trying. And not just for them doing it, but for the kids putting effort into doing it.

Also, find a way to allow your kids to experience and work through challenges on their own. Let them organize their book bag by themselves. Now. Maybe they'll forget their lunch. Maybe they'll forget their homework. Maybe there might be some random things in that book bag that you have no idea what belongs in there. But it's a chance for them to do things on their own.

And for those of us that are parents and sometimes some of us parents are type A, I'm personally not a type of person, but I know people and some of my folks that are parents, I know people that are. It's really hard to let go and let them do it on their own. It's hard to give up that control, isn't it? Right? It's hard to say "You know what? I'm going to let them do them." And watch them figure it out. But in reality, it's one of the best things that you can do.

Now in the Saavedra household, we're a big proponents of independence. We're really believers that even though it's going to be difficult, we have to give them a chance. And I'll be honest, it's a struggle even between my wife and I.

I know that, you know, when my son was three and my daughter was two, I used to take them to the park, and, you know, my wife, when she brought them to the park together with me, we'd watch them go down the slide and we'd let them climb up the monkey bars, and she'd always be right there just to make sure that they didn't fall or they wouldn't get too close to the edge. Or she was worried that maybe they would tumble and scratch their knee or something.

Well, when they were just with Dad by themselves, dad put them right up on that slide and Dad let them slide down. And guess what? If they fell, Dad didn't go running over to get them immediately. I let them figure it out. They can figure things out on their own. And even though those small monkey bars and those small little slides, they don't seem like a big deal, it's starting out with giving chances for them to be independent and for them to make mistakes and for them to fall, and for them to even sometimes get a little hurt.

Because what does it teach you? That you can take a hit and you can get back up and keep on going. And so, a conversation that my wife and I have is that for me, she knows it's a lot harder for her to let go like that. She knows that she has that self-awareness. And so she asks me, "Sometimes I need you to be more challenging of them. I need you to be the one to take them and do things that I might not be able to."

And you know, I'm always all about it, "Let's do it, kids. Let's go out and let's try something different. Let's try something where you can do it on your own." And I say all this because it's an example of how, as parents, we've become so self-aware of our parenting styles that we had to make a decision about how we were going to approach the idea of independence. Now they're ten and nine and things are a little bit different, and we're figuring out ways to give them more independence.

(11:01) Ways to teach kids independence at home

And so, here's a couple of practical tips that we use in our own household and different households that I've come across, either through me being an assistant principal or me working with other parents. First tip, let's take one of the most fundamental tasks that every child has to figure out: Cleaning your room.

Every single one of us either heard our own parents say it to us or they either have somebody saying it to them now: Clean your room. And so, one of the best ways to start transitioning responsibility is instead of you as the parent going in and cleaning it for them, do it together.

Something that my son and I do together is every morning I help him make sure that his bed sheets are put back and his comforters put back so his bed is made. But then it's his responsibility to put all his stuffed animals and all his toys back. And I don't say a word to him. I just make sure that I walk out and it's done. And then we give him a timer, and the rest of the morning routine has to get done. And so he has certain things that are independently for him.

"Get your clothes out. Brush your teeth, wash your face, do all the things that you're supposed to do. You have this amount of time to do it, and Mom and Dad aren't going to help you. You either do it or you don't. But you just got to get it done."

And so, it's a chance for them to really figure out how to make it work in the simple morning routine. And so, how do we do that? We practiced it first. We asked a lot of guiding questions like, "Hey, I noticed that you decided to put your stuffed animals in the back of the bed instead of the front. Why did you do that?" Now, my son came up with a whole big story about why, but it gave him autonomy. It gave him agency, and it made him feel like, "Oh, wait, I have a choice here."

And then as soon as he made a couple of mistakes, it was OK. We made sure that we celebrated the fact that he tried and he did it on his own. Now, the last thing I would say. Is that it's really, really important that you have to help our children build social and emotional development through their confidence. And so, my second tip is really about the idea of their development. How are you building confidence with them? How are you celebrating small successes?

Again, parents. I know what it's like. We have 1001 things going on every day. I know it. I get it. I live it. My wife and I live it. So many of us are in the mix living it. But it's such a powerful thing to celebrate those small successes of when they do something on their own.

(14:15) How Julian teaches his children independence

I'll give you an example. This morning I was headed out to work, and, you know, my wife does such a good job of having our kids have a whole procedure and process system for them to get the the table ready for breakfast. Everybody has a job, and they take care of it.

So, as I'm on my way out, my daughter was super excited because she wanted to make scrambled eggs. She loves scrambled eggs and toast. That's her new thing for every breakfast. And, you know, little sidebar, we have chickens in our house. That's a whole other way of creating independence, have a lot of animals, that helps. But anyway, so we have chickens, and I told her "Dad has to go to work in about 25 minutes. I can help make scrambled eggs, but you have to make sure that the eggs are ready."

And so, my daughter usually shall wait for me to go and get the eggs and get everything set up on my own, and then she'll watch me do it. Well, this morning I said, "Listen, I have to leave. If you want eggs, you're going to have to make it work. Get everything prepared and I'll be ready for you." And so, she went outside and she got the eggs out of the chicken coop. She cleaned them off, and she had the eggs and all the materials ready for me to make the scrambled eggs. And she even put the toast in the toaster.

And I could have just been like, "Oh, great, good job." I was hollering and hyping her up and screaming like " Woohoo! I can't believe you did that. Good job, good job, good job." And the smile on her face because she felt like she did something on her own, especially for something that she wanted. She texted me later with Mom and said that those scrambled eggs tasted so, so good and I just thought they tasted good because she knew she did it on her own.

And so, I say all that because there's so many different ways that you can build confidence in your children by giving them a chance to do it on their own and then celebrating it, even if it's something super small. "You put your book bag on the counter, Great job. Oh, wow! You brushed your teeth without me telling you? Awesome. I saw your desk and it was super organized. Great job."

(16:39) Tips for parents

And so, it's really important that as parents, not only do we focus on redirecting when we need to, but we focus on celebrating the small successes. The last thing, is always make sure these last three things are so important. You got to be patient. You got to keep communication open, and you have to adjust based on what your child needs. If you don't remember anything else, remember: Be patient, be flexible, and keep the communication open.

And if you can do these things. I promise you if you're going to be developing independence with your children. You can do this. You're independent yourself. If you're listening to this, you're independent yourself and you can help develop an independent child. We have no other choice and we can do this together.

Listeners, it's so nice to be back on the pod. I'm so excited for Season 4. We have so many great things coming out. I appreciate you tuning in all three seasons now this is going to be again our best season. Season 4 is back. Listeners, please check out all of the wonderful resources on the episode page at Understood.org.

And please, I want to hear more from you all. So, share your experience, share your tips, share anything that you just want to talk to us about because I'd love to hear more from you. You can email us at OpportunityGap@understood.org. That is spelled O-P-P-O-R-T-U-N-I-T-Y-G-A-P @ U-N-D-E-R-S-T-O-O-D dot org. Or please, leave a comment on the Understood YouTube channel. I want to hear from you.

Until then, family, OG family. We're back. Greatest season ever. I'm so excited that we're back in the building. We'll talk to you soon. Thank you.

Thanks so much for listening today. We love hearing from our listeners. So if you have any thoughts about today's episode, you can email us at OpportunityGap@understood.org, and be sure to check out the show notes for links and resources to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org.

"The Opportunity Gap" is produced by Tara Drinks and edited by Daniela Tello-Garzon. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Ilana Millner is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. Thanks again for listening.